Leaven In The Dough
Why I Chose this Journey: As a Catholic this is Journey is embraced by some and recommended by the Church for those with Same Sex Attraction a journey not for all, but for those who choose this journey don’t see your brothers, sisters as less, form community with them be the leaven in the dough.
A friend asked me if he could write about his journey with Same Sex Attraction as a Catholic for my blog. My response was yes.
“We love you for who you are.” These are the words of a parent to, his 20 year old son, 5 years ago. Um… Awkward? Up until that point the parent had never talked to about sex, and the topic was never mentioned at home. How did I respond? I said nothing. Absolutely nothing. I stared at him with a blank face and ran back into my room crying and thinking about how the hell I ever got into this mess and what I was going to do next.
“Now all know that I am queer” “That person at school thinks I’m gay too, maybe it’s because of the way I talk or is it the way I walk.” “Wait…maybe I should change the way I talk or walk or sit? That will make me look macho.” “Shit, that person is totally staring at me and thinks I’m gay.” These are just a few of the insane thoughts that constantly ruminated in my head. One side was telling me, “Just come out of the closet, hook up with someone, embrace the fact you’re gay!” The other side, said, “If anyone ever finds out, you’re dead!! Don’t ever talk about this to anyone.”
Thank God, He created a Church that has given a third option, that doesn’t seem like it’s going to drown me in lust or turn me into a stoic that’s being internally destroyed by his desires. I have chosen the path to Chastity. I have chosen the path toward special kind of love and sexual self-control.
I am not afraid to admit that until the day I die I will probably always be attracted to men. However, I don’t think this aspect of my life has been the greatest struggle and I say life as I don’t see my sexual attraction to the same sex as a cross. The greatest struggle has been my interior life. Experiencing same sex attraction (SSA) and being Catholic is fun and full of expectation. It comes with its share of anxiety, heartache, tears, and boogers.
Just because I have an inclination to do something doesn’t mean that I should follow it. When we pursue sexuality solely as a pleasure and for fun we can find ourselves in messy situations. But of course the media will never portray it this way, living a gay lifestyle is portrayed as glamorous and fulfilling. I have many friends who identify as gay who are hard workers and are doing awesome things with their lives.
I’ve chosen to be celibate, despite the fact there are times I feel the ache of many desires. This may seem like a total fail in the eyes of the modern world, but am I really missing out on much? Chastity gives me so much and again I say this may not be for all. Chastity gives me the ability to live out healthy and loving relationships with both men and women. It gives me the opportunity to bring healing to areas of my masculinity that have been gravely wounded. It allows me to appreciate my beauty, and recognize the dignity in every person.
I realize that I will not always get what I want. I can’t tell you about the many of days I felt I just wanted someone to hold and be intimate with. Sometimes I look at happy couples and wounder if I am missing out! But, I understand that fulfilment goes much deeper than wanting someone. . I find fulfilment by being in a relationship with the More and Ever More who created me to be fulfilled by Him.