First, let me introduce myself. My name is Gerard; I am a nineteen years old boy. I am studying philosophy at Cape Town University.
I started my first year two months ago. I did choose this major. My father wanted me to take over his laboratory and do biology, but science and mathematics are not for me, as my high school biology teacher Mrs Liversage will confirm: ‘He can’t even draw a round circle” and she is correct. But my parents were determined that I will take extra mathematics and biology lessons.
“Gerard your tutor is here. Get a move on we pay by the half hour!”
When I arrived in the living room I recognized the tutor Jeff…
He was the perfect man: a stunning smile, magnificent blue eyes and rugby players body muscles in all the right places, a pity he was robbed of a butt. I met him a month ago at party in Constantia. At this moment, I knew that I wanted him. But he seemed interested in girls. I was very disappointed…
When I saw him, my heart rate accelerated, a shiver went through my body, and I was stunned into silence and a foolish grin. Until then my attraction to men caused some disgust. I could not believe it, the eyes of others was too hard to bear.
And then John came into my life, at least in my head and my heart, not an hour filed past without me thinking of him, I was for the first time in my life in love with a man, aware of the being, and even ready to shout from the rooftops. It was clear to me. I’m gay.
Day after day, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. The more the time passed, the closer we were and the happier I was.
I wanted him to invite me to go out. One day, he did.
It was a party in a villa of a residential area called Kommetjie. It was a beautiful house with a swimming pool. I didn’t know a lot of people, I was feeling a bit lost but when I saw him I was no longer feeling that way. He smiled to me and came toward me. But I realized that he wasn’t alone. A beautiful, tall, blond and blue-eyed girl was holding his hand how I envied her. The type of girl that everyone likes.
He was talking to me but I wasn’t listening to him. The only thing which concerned me was him holding her hand. I was so disappointed, I just left. I wanted to go home but something was holding me back. So I stayed. All the time at the party I hid in the garden. At the end Jeff came to me, I didn’t say a word, I was so ashamed of my behaviour.
‘She is not my girlfriend, you know.’ he said.
We looked at each other for a while and smiled at each other.
Time passed and everything was fine. But we didn’t expect something bad to happen…
We were kissing on one accession and my mother surprised us… We argued with my mother because I didn’t want my father to know. Once calmed, anger down, she realized that it was meaningless. We finally all just laugh.
She would love to meet and get to know him. She even offered a brunch for a business trip with my father.
The rumours began in high school, first they looked at me one, then they began to laugh, a laugh at me, insult me and now some are waiting for me at the output classes to hit me. I remember once, when he covered my head, tied his hands and beat me. They leave me alone on a beach with my pain and bruise and one hundred questions rushing through my brain.’ Why, why am I gay, why me help me God’ and all I got was a stunned voice of silence.
I was lying on the sand and I was wondering why they did this to me. I was hurt, my leg was bleeding, I had a headache, I was breathless… I felt I was dying. And in the distance I heard Jeff’s voice “Gerard! Gerard! Oh my God! What happened to you!…” he shouted. He untied me and he embraced me in his arm. I felt his tear on my shoulders. “It’s okay, I’m here now … Everything is going to be alright” he cried, and he took me in his car to drive me home. “These guys shouted at me, and they told me that my girlfriend was waiting for me on the beach.”
We arrived in front of my house, I didn’t want to go in, I was so afraid of my mother’s reaction … I felt my heartbeat pounding, but he was here to calm me down. He was whispering in my ear: “Don’t worry, your father is not at home, and I think your mother is sleeping. We are going to go in by the back door, nobody is going to see us I promise.”
But the back door was in the garden, and we saw my father drinking.
We were both surprised. At the same time we said: “What are you doing here?”
“My business trip was cancelled, I came home earlier”, my father said. “And you? Why are you in such a pitiful state?!” …. I was speechless, he looked at me and he asked me what happened. I didn’t have the courage to answer his question, so he asked Jeff.
“I can’t tell you anything sir, I’m sorry.” Jeff replied
my father came in my direction, he shook me, and he looked in my eyes, and said calmly: “You are my son, you can tell me anything, I will always be there for you.”
“Some guys hit me”
“Why?” he asked.
I had no choice, I had to tell him: – “Because I am gay … I’m in love with him. I’m sorry, dad. It’s my choice” … And suddenly he slapped me and fisted me in the stomach while kneeing me in the groin.
Now, I am living at Jeff’s house. Since then I haven’t seen my father or my mother. My father doesn’t let her see me. We plan to get married in a few months, at least it is allowed here. But I ask one question, what has the State done to education and transform the hearts, minds and attitudes of these brutes?